Garth
by unidentifed genius
Summary: Explores Garths POV and history


Setting – the relationship between Amy and Garth hasn't been explored much in the show. So I though I would do my own exploring. In this fanfic, Amy doesn't know about Garths abuse, and when she tells him to get out of her life (after the serial killer episodes) Garth writes her a letter…..

Amy,

I guess you have gathered by now that I love you. I know that at the moment you hate me, but please just read this letter. It will be my last attempt to communicate with you. I love you Amy and everyday I regret leaving you, but we all screw up and some decisions we have to live with every day. Amy I know I hurt you, I pushed you away when you needed me and I'm sorry, you will never know how much I regret that. I'm sorry and I know that sorry isn't good enough, and if I could fix it I would, but I can't.

I love you and that's why this is my last uninvited correspondence. Amy, just know that I love you, that I think of you everyday, that I miss you more than you will know. And that it hurts, hurts so bad when you push me away. Amy if it is possible that you could maybe forgive me please contact me, we can just be friends if you want. Amy, know that you have changed my life and that I love you.

Love Garth

10 Regersment St

Melbourne

Victoria

3045

ph. 6549 5437

mob. 0400 897 543

Garth. can say that I don't love you as much as I like, but that doesn't make it true. Garth I just need to know why? Why did you push me away. It hurts, you hurt me and I know that everyone screws up, but Garth, that was a monumental one. I don't want to hurt you, I just don't want to hurt anymore. If you are prepared to tell me why you disappeared when I needed you the most, I'll be prepared to listen. So far what you have given me is a lot of apologies, but no explanation, I need to understand why, so I can understand the hurt that you caused. Hope that you are going well down in Melbourne.

Amy.

As he read Amy's letter Garth was gripped with panic. Can he expose his deepest hurt to the one who can hurt him the most; if he refuses he looses her forever. Can it be worth it? He knows she will understand, he knows she deals with something similar, how much can he tell her, will she really understand, will it make her hate him more. Maybe he should just leave it. Can he take the risk? Amy had changed his life and made him talk to a counselor, and that in itself had changed his life. But can he explain that he just didn't have the resources to cope with Amy's abuse? He was so angry that someone could cause her so much pain, his beautiful Amy was hurting and because she was hurting, he was to. The world seemed such a horrific place there was so much pain everywhere, even Amy the reason he loved life had pain. It was everywhere, she was hurting, he was hurting, hurting so much, so damn much. After Amy told him, he just froze, his heart and head in revolt, couldn't fathom how someone so amazing, so friendly, so beautiful could hurt so much. As Amy cried he knew he couldn't stay, he had to leave. So he just upped and left, leaving no explanation, no reason. That night Garth lost all hope. He had always been fighting a loosing battle but Amy would always keep him from the edge. But tonight he lost Amy, he discovered her pain he knew he didn't stand a chance against the demons he had fought off for so long. They just overcome him and he couldn't handle it, he didn't stand a chance. He grabbed his razor and pressed it against his wrist. Amy didn't need him, she was better off without him and so he cut, he cut deep and often, each with more urgency, he had to escape this pain, the pain that drove him was enough. There was blood all over the bathroom. Who was going to clean up this mess? Shit.

The blood seeped out of his veins and onto the cold floor and gradually Garth felt the blessed unconsciousness come over him. Its all over he thought its all over and its all going to be ok.

For the next few days Garth drifted in and out of consciousness. Until his work partner became worried with Garths phone ringing out and no reply to emails. Johnny banged on the front door, with no answer, he walked around the back and looked through the window at the blood stained bathroom. Panicking he broke the window and felt for a pulse, shit he couldn't tell, it might be there, but was that just his own heart racing? Johnny called the ambos and went and cradled the dying Garth. Johnny looked around the bathroom, and saw the cuts on Garths arms, and he knew that no one who had lost that much blood could possible survive. He looked down at Garth and wondered Why. Why Garth? He is such a good cop, a great detective and his best mate. Why mate why?

The ambos came, found a faint pulse, bandaged up his wrists and raced Garth to hospital. Garth fought against his demons in ICU, his Melbourne friends came and saw him, kept him up-to-date with what was going on at the office, Garth nodded and smiled in the right spots but he didn't care at all. He did care about Amy. But they didn't know about Amy. They just had no idea. As Garth recovered, he had a lost of time to think about his life, about Amy, about how his life had changed. So many people told him how lucky he was to be alive – insensitive pricks, Garth didn't want to awake from his attempt, he wanted nothing to do with life. It just hurt to damn much. But his overriding emotion was missing Amy. He missed her, he wondered if she had heard what had happened, Garth's boss promised to keep it quite and only Johnny knew it was suicide, the others had been told it was an accident. Garth missed Amy with an intensity he didn't know existed. He wanted to know how she was doing, what she was up to, what she thought of him. Garth wondered if she would ever understand, it made perfect sense to Garth, but no one else understood. Garth refused to talk to the physiatrist that would visit everyday – what would a stranger understand? Garth knew that Amy was alive and breathing and somehow that was enough. That was enough to make it through each minute, and the minutes combined to make hours and the hours morphed into days. In a few weeks Garth was out of ICU and ready to go home. Home, could he face it? Home had a photo of Amy it would be OK. Garth knew he wasn't ok to go home by himself, he knew that the temptation of another attempt would be too great and this time he felt like shit, but Amy was OK, so he was OK too. Amy was alive so he wanted to be alive to. Cause he missed her so much.

So Johnny came to flat with Garth, with someone else there Garth could sometimes pretend resemble normalcy. Johnny didn't push him, but listened when Garth talked. Garth told him a watered down version of events. Johnny didn't understand, but he did just listen and that's what Garth needed most. After a few weeks at home Garth decided that for the sake of his somewhat shaky sanity he had to go back to work. And he approached his work with dedication, his motivation was Amy, to catch bastards who ruined lives and caused so so much heartache and pain. With everyday being slightly more bearable than the last Garth heralded in a new era of life, whilst he still didn't really want to be alive, he knew if he concentrated on Amy, he would be OK. Garth resumed some of his previous activities, and loved to play social soccer in his old team – 'the bumblebees'. He thought about Amy all the time, but wasn't ready to think about them getting back together, he had been through so much, he needed to learn to trust life again and he was sure that Amy had found herself a handsome Mt Thomas boyfriend. But that would still be OK as long as she was breathing.

Garth was listening to the radio trying to get some sleep which had been somewhat elusive. The newsreader reported that a detective in country Victoria had been killed in a car crash whilst pursuing a suspect. Garths heart stopped, it way Amy, Amy oh my gosh, it had to be her. Logically Garth knew that there were hundreds of detectives in Victoria and Amy was one of them, but he knew in his heart that it was her. His beautiful Amy was lying dead in a mangled car. Why? Why? It shocked him. He cried, he cried all night.


End file.
